House Rules for the Emotionally Volatile

Ephemera

HOUSE RULES (Read these or don't; just stop making the kitchen inaccessible) 1. Silent Treatments: If you are refusing to speak to a family member, do not attempt to traverse the north corridor. The hallway stretches in proportion to the grudge. Refer to the incident of August 2016, where we lost the vacuum cleaner for a week because Sarah would not forgive Mark. Just say the words. 2. Anxiety: If you feel a panic attack coming on, move to the center of the room immediately. The walls shrink when you spiral. I am not paying for another round of structural repairs because the guest bedroom became a coffin. Breathe or get out. 3. Screaming Matches: After a verbal escalation, the front door will migrate. Do not wander the house looking for it; you will only end up in the crawlspace. Take the salt shaker from the pantry. Lay a trail from the living room to the foyer. If you use all the salt, you are staying inside until dinner is served. 4. Meltdowns: No sobbing in the attic. The stairs invert when you are hysterical. I am too old to climb down to the second floor. 5. General: Keep your temper in check. I want to finish my coffee without the dining table drifting into the laundry room.