Case No. 882-B: Thorne v. Thorne Heirs

Transcript

TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS COURT OF POST-MORTEM REDRESS DISTRICT 4, SECTOR G CASE NO: 882-B MATTER: The Estate of Julian Thorne (Plaintiff) v. Elias Thorne and Sarah Thorne (Defendants) PRESIDING: Judge Alistair Finch DATE: October 14, 2024 [09:00] JUDGE FINCH: We are here for the preliminary hearing regarding Case 882-B. The plaintiff, appearing via spectral projection, alleges spiritual negligence and aesthetic desecration. Counsel for the plaintiff, you may begin. [09:01] MR. STERLING: Thank you, Your Honor. My client, Mr. Julian Thorne, seeks a court order for the immediate removal of the current floral adornments on his headstone and a mandatory monthly stipend for professional horticultural maintenance. The defendants have displayed a callous disregard for the plaintiff's established tastes. [09:02] JUDGE FINCH: Mr. Thorne, as the party in interest, you may provide a brief statement. Please keep it clinical. [09:02] JULIAN THORNE: Clinical? I am residing in a limestone box, and my grandchildren have seen fit to crown me with plastic. Polyester, Your Honor. Neon pink lilies that fade into a sickly shade of salmon under the midday sun. It is an indignity. It is a visual scream. [09:03] JUDGE FINCH: Mr. Elias Thorne, your response. [09:03] ELIAS THORNE: Your Honor, we thought the plastic ones were more durable. The real lilies die in three days. We were trying to be efficient. [09:04] JULIAN THORNE: Efficient? Efficiency is for factories and tax accountants. I spent forty years curating a garden that was the envy of the county. I did not spend four decades studying soil pH levels to be represented by a bundle of petroleum-based fibers from a discount pharmacy. [09:04] JUDGE FINCH: Does the plaintiff have a specific grievance regarding the arrangement of the flowers, or is this purely a material objection? [09:05] JULIAN THORNE: The arrangement is asymmetrical. It leans to the left. It looks as though the bouquet is attempting to slide off the plinth. It is an affront to the very concept of balance. I can see it from the ether; it is like a permanent itch on my forehead that I cannot scratch. [09:06] MS. THORNE: Grandfather, you're being dramatic. You've been dead for three years. [09:06] JUDGE FINCH: Ms. Thorne, you will address the court, not the projection. Mr. Sterling, does the plaintiff have evidence of a prior agreement regarding the grave's upkeep? [09:07] MR. STERLING: We have the 2012 codicil, Your Honor. Page four, paragraph two: 'The grave shall be adorned with seasonal, organic blooms of a muted palette.' The current neon pink arrangement is a direct violation of this testamentary wish. [09:08] JUDGE FINCH: The court finds the use of neon plastic in direct opposition to the specified 'muted palette.' However, the claim of 'spiritual negligence' is vague. Define the negligence, Mr. Sterling. [09:09] MR. STERLING: My client reports a significant decrease in his post-mortem serenity. He claims the tacky nature of the flowers creates a dissonant frequency that prevents him from achieving a state of restful dormancy. [09:10] JULIAN THORNE: It is hard to sleep when your legacy is being mocked by a five-dollar piece of molded plastic. I want the lilies gone. I want the soil aerated. I want a proper English ivy border, or I shall spend the next century haunting the plumbing in Elias's guest bathroom. [09:11] JUDGE FINCH: Threatening the plumbing is a violation of the Afterlife Conduct Code. I will grant the injunction for the removal of the plastic flowers. As for the stipend, we will move to evidentiary hearings on the estate's liquidity. Court is adjourned.